(t5!) NBA Player Power Rankings 2014

NBA SEASON HERE!!!

I know, you get it. I've been excited every season since 2007 and that most likely won't change anytime soon. But there are two reasons why I'm excited that is specific to 2013-2014. Firstly, this is my son's first NBA season, so now I'll be watching those Wednesday night league pass games on my iPad with him in my arms. Secondly, while the Miami Heat, winners of the last two NBA Finals, moves into this "I Ain't Got No Worries" ethos, there are at least eight teams that can legitimately dethrone them. It won't be easy, but it will be fun.

Before I present this season's (t5!) NBA Player Power Rankings, I just want to emphasize again that these players aren't ranked based on their greatness or popularity or fantasy value. These are the players that my son, Avery, and I are most excited to watch this season.

50. Trey Burke, Utah Jazz
49. Anthony Davis, New Orleans Pelicans
48. Brook Lopez, Brooklyn Nets
47. C.J. McCollum, Portland Trail Blazers
46. Nicolas Batum, Portland Trail Blazers
45. Eric Bledsoe, Phoenix Suns
44. Matt Barnes, Los Angeles Clippers
43. Kenyon Martin, New York Knicks
42. David West, Indiana Pacers
41. Steve Nash, Los Angeles Lakers
40. Shane Battier, Miami Heat
39. Avery Bradley, Boston Celtics
38. Pau Gasol, Los Angeles Lakers
37. Ray Allen, Miami Heat
36. J.R. Smith, New York Knicks
35. Tyson Chandler, New York Knicks
34. Victor Oladipo, Orlando Magic
33. Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs
32. Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs
31. Andre Iguodala, Golden State Warriors

30. Jamal Crawford, Los Angeles Clippers

I’m not sure if I would want to share an offensive possession with a player who dribbles as much as Jamal Crawford, but I surely don’t want to be put on skates failing to defend him either. He’s the type of player that would break your ankles with a crossover, help you up, and then cross you up once again so you have something extra to remember him by.

Internet Relevance: He hosts an annual pro-am tournament in Seattle, seemingly so that he has a platform to shake and bake during the offseason.

29. Monta Ellis, Dallas Mavericks

The knock on Monta Ellis is that his efficiency (or lack thereof) doesn't condone the amount of shots he take. That’s a fair statement, but in some nights, those unbalanced pull-up jumpers and those low-percentage threes with a hand in his face miraculously go in, and when they do, very few things in the league is as exhilarating.

Internet Relevance: Sure, he’s a little bit delusional, but “Monta Ellis have it all” forever!

28. Tony Allen, Memphis Grizzlies

I feel like I need to reiterate this every year, they don’t give you your certificate of NBA nerddom if you’re not into on-ball defense, and nothing screams on-ball defense than the lunatic they have deemed Krazy Glue. You have a better chance getting pass Gandalf at the The Bridge of Khazad-dum than you have with Tony Allen at the perimeter.

Internet Relevance: Not the best at karaoke though.

27. Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs

In the 2013 NBA Finals—Tony Parker’s 12th season—Parker had a coming out party. Sure, he has been an all-star, won three championships, became a Finals MVP, and was married to a Desperate Housewife. Now he is finally included in a lot of people’s discussions regarding the best players in the league. The beauty of a flower painted in such a huge scale can't be ignored.

Internet Relevance: new H-E-B commercials here, here, and here

26. Josh Smith, Detroit Pistons

It’s unfortunate and unfair that Josh Smith’s unforeseen weak side defense, freakish athletic ability, and thorough versatility is forgotten because he tends to shoot badly and shoot often from outside. The move to Detroit should invigorate J-Smoove, and playing alongside terrific passers like Brandon Jennings and Greg Monroe should allow him to maximize his strengths more frequently.

Internet Relevance: Twitter newcomer

25. Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks

Last season, Carmelo Anthony’s jump shot became as efficient as it is aesthetically appealing, utilizing it to capture the scoring title. He still has the uncommon combination of size and speed that allows him to be an oppressor of small forwards and a whirlwind for power forwards. If he can exploit that more often this season, averaging 40 points per game wouldn’t be inconceivable.

Internet Relevance: Well according to Kevin Garnett, his wife tastes like a breakfast cereal. Not good for him, but that blew up the Internet.

24. Zach Randolph, Memphis Grizzlies

He’s the greatest redemption story among active NBA players. Thanks to a trade to Memphis, Zach Randolph transformed himself from a pudgy knucklehead taking ill-advised three-pointers to the poster boy for the Grizzlies’ “Grit and Grind” and “We Don’t Bluff” rallying cry.

Internet Relevance: Dog lovers’ favorite

23. Brandon Jennings, Detroit Pistons

Sure, Brandon Jennings is embarrassingly inefficient, is toxic when he’s unhappy, is pretty indifferent on defense, and everybody wants to punch him in the face. But that’s all trivial when you’re immensely fun to play with, fun to watch, and fun to follow off the court. Detroit is in for a roller coaster ride.

Internet Relevance: RIP Jennings/Ellis backcourt combo. I’m so disappointed that this didn’t work out.

22. Metta World Peace, New York Knicks

Explain to me how a person can love basketball and hate Metta World Peace at the same time. Every aspect of his being—from his underdog rags-to-riches story, to his lovable sociopath persona, to his open-ended potential to fuck everything up—is entertaining. And now he’s playing for his hometown, New York. Say Queensbridge!

Internet Relevance: Just in case you’re wondering about the reasoning behind his numbers. He's wearing 51 now. Queensbridge!

21. Blake Griffin, Los Angeles Clippers

Blake Griffin was one of the losers of the 2013 NBA Playoffs, not only because his Clippers lost to the Memphis Grizzlies in the first round, but also because he was badly pummeled (literally) by his power forward counterpart Zach Randolph. I wouldn’t be taken aback if a revitalized Griffin attempts to dunk on everybody on sight this season.

Internet Relevance: Still airs the funniest NBA commercials.

20. DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings

Goddamnit, Boogie! DeMarcus Cousins talents on offense can't be eclipse by any other center in the NBA. For instance, even it’s not ideal that he does it on a regular basis, no other big man in the league can take a rebound and go coast to coast like Boogie can. Having said that, what’s frustrating is that there are still a significant amount of games where he doesn’t play like the best scoring center in the league. Can this be the season when he puts everything together? With Boogie, anything goes.

Internet Relevance: Can someone who went to this do an Reddit AMA please?

19. John Wall, Washington Wizards

They say the fastest way to move the basketball is by passing, but John Wall is the scientific anomaly that continually debunks that theory. Wall uses his speed like Malone and Stockton uses the pick-and-roll. Beating all five guys on defense up court for an easy layup is an effective signature move, and I don't know why it is used very rarely in this league.

Internet Relevance: Ooh, kill em! Kill em! Still the best dancer in the NBA.

18. Paul George, Indiana Pacers

Paul George went from a boring draft pick from Fresno State to a bonafide NBA beast after going toe-to-toe with the Heat in last year’s Eastern Conference finals. With Danny Granger coming back from injury, the dynamic between Indiana’s current and previous alpha dogs might be combustible. Handle it properly and they might be the reason for the Heat's demise.

Internet Relevance: What's cooler that being cool? Ice cold!

17. Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks

Shame on Dallas for wasting Dirk Nowitzki’s NBA twilight years. Although in all honesty, it doesn't seem like Dirk cares that much. Ever since he's been a champion in 2011, he’s been acting like a player who has had all of his NBA goals fulfilled. I doubt Mark Cuban will trade him though, especially because he comes off the books after this year and Dirk has to waive his no-trade clause. Having said that, I would love to see another playoff run in him. Dallas can't provide that unfortunately.

Internet Relevance: Uh-oh, guess what day it is?!

16. Kevin Garnett, Brooklyn Nets

He has done it once before. Install Kevin Garnett's hardwood fervor into a team on the verge of contending, and together they will reach NBA empyrean. But can he do it again for Brooklyn? Given that he’s 19 years old in NBA years, I have my doubts. But anything is possible.

Internet Relevance: Do you guys want to buy his Concord, MA house? The breakfast nook is kinda nice.

15. Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat

Sure, he may be a couple of steps past his prime, but even as a permanent second fiddle, very few are as stylish on the court as Dwyane Wade. It looks as if his pump fakes are designed by Prada and his eurosteps deserve to be in the cover of GQ.

Internet Relevance: Dude just wants to look good.

14. Kenneth Faried, Denver Nuggets

Let's hope that these data-tracking cameras being instituted in various NBA arenas adequately do what they say they do, because as of right now, Kenneth Faried's prodigious motor and hustle remains uncharted. We need values like “average length of time of continuous runs” or “jumps per game” to communicate how special Faried is to the leyman, whom only see him as an NBA player rocking dreadlocks.

Internet Relevance: Step your game up, TMZ..

13. Joakim Noah, Chicago Bulls

I don’t mean this to be a dig at his recently revivified teammate, Derrick Rose. I just want to say that while everyone is rejoicing his return from injury, everyone is forgetting that Joakim Noah spilled his guts on the hardwood when he played with plantar fasciitis during the Bulls’ contentious playoff run. Just something to think about when you watch those Derrick Rose “Basketball is Everything” advertisements.

Internet Relevance: Brings that passion and energy in the soccer field as well.

12. JaVale McGee, Denver Nuggets

I don’t know if 2013-2014 will be the season where JaVale McGee—who I once described as “it’s as if the greatest basketball player in the world don’t know how to play basketball”—puts it all together. Either way, we will all still be amused, especially since Denver is exclusively his.

Internet Relevance: Vines magnanimously.

11. Russell Westbrook, Oklahoma City Thunder

We all saw what happened in last season’s playoffs, right? When Russell Westbrook went down with a meniscus tear and every Thunder who wasn’t wearing a “Durant” jersey had problems scoring afterwards? It’s major proof that Westbrook’s hyper-reckless abandon makes offense easier for everyone else on that team.

Internet Relevance: Fellow Swifty!

10. Marc Gasol, Memphis Grizzlies

If you want to know how good someone is at being an NBA fan, ask them about Marc Gasol. To a novice, I’m sure he is just a plodding, unimpressive, sack of goo. But to basketball watching virtuosos like myself, Gasol is a high-post phenomenon and an interior defense kingpin; the best all-around center

Internet Relevance: This is more personal than Internet relevance, but I want these so bad but I have no idea where to get it. It has magical powers on defense.

09. Kevin Love, Minnesota Timberwolves

Last season was supposed to be Kevin Love’s coronation, but injuries derailed that. At last, he and running mate Ricky Rubio are fully healthy and a stronger cast that surrounds them should get him his very first playoff berth this year. First thing’s first though, ditch the knuckle push-ups from the workout routine for this season.

Internet Relevance: Kevin Love has one of the best Instagram accounts in the NBA, owning throwback Thursdays constantly.

08. Rajon Rondo, Boston Celtics

Three probable scenarios are in play for Rajon Rondo this season: (1) he sits until February and then leads this ragtag bunch of misfits in a valiant attempt to capture the eighth-seed of the East; (2) the Celtics will make up phantom injuries for him even after he is fully recovered from the torn ACL, just so they can properly tank the season; or (3) he gets traded to a less depressing team. It will be a long season for him, but as long as he's atypical things in the court, I don't really care about that.

Internet Relevance: Triple Double machine!

07. Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Kevin Durant is the first athlete ever to willingly lead their own smear campaign. Last year’s “KD’s Not Nice” marketing plan of Nike was reinforced by Durant yelling at anyone with an ear and dunking on anyone with a face.

Internet Relevance: He’s not even nice to kids attending his own basketball camp!

06. Ricky Rubio, Minnesota Timberwolves

Ricky Rubio’s 2012-2013 outing was not as clamorous as I hoped it would be, but that’s because the injury-riddled Timberwolves were mediocre for the entire season, and thus, the focus of people shifted elsewhere. But, ask Derrick Williams, Dante Cunningham, and Greg Stiemsma how terrific Rubio was; if it wasn’t for his remarkable ability to find open men, they would be out of a job by now.

Internet Relevance: “Change your face, be happy, enjoy”; my new motto in life.

05. James Harden, Houston Rockets

When James Harden was coming off the bench for the puerile Oklahoma City Thunder, I’m pretty certain everyone expected him to be pretty good if he does get an opportunity to lead his own team. But no one—certainly not Thunder GM Sam Presti—thought he would be a euro-stepping offensive juggernaut. I’d consider him top 10 in the league, but I guess that’s debatable.

Internet Relevance: Will never be top 10 R&B Vocals unfortunately. Full song bonus!

04. Chris Paul, Los Angeles Clippers

We’ve seen Chris Paul disentangle defenses entirely on his own in the past; so how good will he be now that he actually has a more-than-competent coach devising plays for him? The CP3-Doc Rivers era means wins, but it also means no more excuses.

Internet Relevance: Nothing too crazy, because he’s the new president of the NBPA, so all of these jumping-on-trampolines-with-supermodels monkey businesses need to be curtailed. Cute kid, though.

03. Stephen Curry, Golden State Warriors

The Oracle Arena during the NBA playoffs is one of, if not the, best crowds in all of sports. But during one of Steph Curry’s hot streak, when it seems as if he’s shooting the ball into an ocean-sized rim, the crowd’s furor is all the way turnt up to eleven! As a sports fan, there’s no better treat.

Internet Relevance: Pump fakes in his spare time.

02. Kyrie Irving, Cleveland Cavaliers

Nifty dribblers have come and gone in the NBA, but not one of them has been as threatening as Kyrie Irving is in three-point shooting. Because Kyrie is able to shoot so well—especially at the top of the key—defenders have to keep within arms length, which makes them extra susceptible to one of his destructive ankle-breakers.

Internet Relevance: New Uncle Drew ad

There is no NBA player in the last two years that I've rooted harder for than LeBron James; he is a once-in-a-decade Great Comet that should be cherished. But honestly, I think I have said everything I can say about LeBron James. He has every skill imaginable, he conquered Haters, and he got no worries. Blah blah blah. But one thing I haven’t really discussed though is the LeBron-Jordan comparisons because frankly, I find the illogical people caught in this strawman argument insufferable.

But let’s go ahead and engage anyway, just for kicks.

As it stands right now, the Haters are left with only two valid ways to defame LeBron’s basketball game: LeBron is a flopper and LeBron is not better than Michael Jordan. The former is a difficult argument to make, especially when their favorite player is also constantly hitting the deck every time they’re stuck in the lane while there’s a freight train gearing up to dunk. The latter is an argument way easier to dispute, simply because it’s true—Michael Jordan is definitely better than LeBron James. It's even possible to support it quantitatively, either by using advanced stats or by using Internet memes . LeBron could surpass Jordan one day in the all-time rankings, simply due to LeBron's size, speed, strength, and defense. But as of right now, the Haters' arithmetic is foolproof: 6 rings is greater than 2.

Brief sidenote: I hate the word “Hater”, almost as much as I hate the word “epic” and “swag”.

But here are a couple more truths for you, Haters: the fact that Jordan in his prime is better right now than LeBron doesn’t diminish LeBron’s accomplishments whatsoever, nor does it make LeBron’s ode to destruction less entertaining to watch. The fact that LeBron may surpass Jordan one day wouldn’t downgrade The Shot or The Flu Game or the triple double in the ’86 Finals. Dunces refusing to acknowledge LeBron’s extremely complete skill set because he dares challenges the crown that Jordan dons is ridiculous. It’s like The Wire devotees refusing to watch Breaking Bad because it’s a better show to the eyes of some. If there’s one lesson to be taken away from this power ranking, it’s that even if you think one is better or more entertaining than the other, you are still allowed to enjoy both of those things. Change your face, be happy, and enjoy basketball.

Internet Relevance: You can also enjoy his freestyles if you wish.

Predictions
Coach Of The Year:
Who I want to win? Erik Spoelstra, Miami Heat
Who is going to win? Doc Rivers, Los Angeles Clippers
Most Improved Player:
Who I want to win? DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings
Who is going to win? Jimmy Butler, Chicago Bulls
Sixth Man Of The Year:
Who I want to win? Jamal Crawford, Los Angeles Clippers
Who is going to win? Jamal Crawford, Los Angeles Clippers
Defensive Player Of The Year:
Who I want to win? LeBron James, Miami Heat
Who is going to win? Roy Hibbert, Indiana Pacers
Rookie Of The Year:
Who I want to win? Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks (I started these rankings before the preseason, and thus I unfortunately ranked him improperly; but I am all-in on The GiAnt!
Who is going to win? Cody Zeller, Charlotte Bobcats
Most Valuable Player: Who I want to win? LeBron James, Miami Heat
Who is going to win? Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder
Finals Predictions
What I want? Miami Heat defeats Oklahoma City Thunder in seven games
What will happen? Oklahoma City Thunder defeats Miami Heat in six games