(t5!) NBA Player Power Rankings

Every year I get excited about another NBA season starting, and this year is obviously no different. But what is different this year is that I finally opened my wallet up and paid for the broadband package of NBA league pass! I am no longer constrained watching whomever the Raptors is playing that night or whichever game The Score's Court Surfing determines is worth my time. Gone are the days of me bemoaning TSN for deciding to show an MLS game over an intense Clippers vs. Grizzlies matchup. The world is my oyster.

Now I am still eagerly waiting for the NBA to announce that the Edmonton Mallrats or the Philippine Adarnas are going to be the association's newest expansion teams, but until then, I can never show an allegiance to one team. I've always rooted for players to succeed. There's an option to watch all the games of five teams of my choosing, which is utterly insane for an NBA nerd. What is magnificent about the NBA is that there's at least one player to be giddy about from every team, so I can watch a gripping tilt between the last place teams from each conference and it would make me feel like my league pass purchase was worth it.

This list isn't a ranking of who I think are the best players of the NBA, but it will show who I'm excited about the most. Here are the top thirty players that will be dictating my Internet bandwidth usage for the next nine months:

When your team is second in the league in pace, it’s best to employ a ball-handler that leaves speed lines as he crosses the half court line. If the NBA ever installed a sprinting contest as one of the All-Star weekend festivities, Ty Lawson will win it hands down.

Internet Relevancy: I’m Batman!

If his back holds up, Jared Sullinger could be the Big Baby Davis that doesn’t get yelled at by Kevin Garnett. But two-time First Team All-Americans rarely drop to the 21st overall pick for no reason, so I’m crossing my fingers that he can find good chiropractors in Boston.

Internet Relevancy: There are no guilty pleasures. Only pleasures

This is the eleventh year now of Manu Ginobili's quest to inform NBA fans that Argentina isn’t in Europe. A few players now have copied and remade his eccentric “European” style of play, but in most nights, the original is still best.

Internet Relevancy: Owner of a Hot Tub Cloning Machine

John Wall, the 2010 1st overall pick, hasn’t lived up to what was expected of him yet, but at least he’ll be distributing the ball to Bradley Beal, Emeka Okafor, and Trevor Ariza this year. I’m also not ruling out the fact that the Andray Blatche tumor was affecting his play during his first two years. Now that that's extracted, his production should show improvement.

Internet Relevancy: Still the only NBA player with his own dance craze.

Stephen Curry, the former NCAA tournament darling, was hampered by an injured ankle last year, and has already twisted his ankle during this year’s preseason. The Warriors organization has said that the ankle is fine, but I’m hoping he's on a really effective ankle brace this season to prevent a repeat of last year.

Internet Relevancy: Might have been cursed by a time-traveler

They don't hand you your certificate of NBA nerddom if you don't pledge an adoration for on-ball defense. The only reason why I love Dwight Howard going to the Lakers? I get to see Chuck Hayes shut him down for four games now that they’re in the same division.

Internet Relevancy: His free throws have inner beauty

I don’t know why it is that AI’s from the Sixers have a tendency to get traded to the Nuggets, but this offseason transaction was on point. As one of the best defensive players in the game, Andre Iguodala can improve a team defense that allowed the third most points per game in the NBA. As one of the fastest players on the break, he doesn't have to slow down the offense either.

Internet Relevancy: Stepped his bucket hat game up over the summer

I doubt the phrase “high alley-oop IQ” has been used to describe a player’s attributes before Tyson Chandler showed up in the league. Watch Chandler with a competent point guard and you’ll understand that there’s more to a successful alley-oop dunk than jumping really high and catching a lob.

Internet Relevancy: Meanwhile, at NY Fashion Week: Amish Hipster

Even after signing Jamal Crawford and even if Chauncey Billups’ left Achilles heel is 100%, third-year guard Eric Bledsoe is still the backcourt complement to Chris Paul. He demonstrated during last season’s playoffs that his tenacity and quickness has the ability to change games for the Clippers.

Internet Relevancy: Enthusiastic giver of alley-oops

Now that the psilocybin effect of Joe Johnson is gone in Atlanta, Josh Smith is clearly the Hawk’s alpha dog. He’s also in his last year of his contract, so expect him to amplify his value this season, hopefully by filling up the stat sheet and not by shooting more from beyond the arc.

Internet Relevancy: Closet popper

Pound for pound, Russell Westbrook is the hardest dunker in the NBA. If you can measure the force the ball exerts on the floor after a dunk, Westbrook’s dunk would be an outlier datum. Because Derrick Rose unfortunately tore his ACL, he’s now the most athletic guard in the Association.

Internet Relevancy: Animated GIF Gangsta

Blake Griffin's value might have dropped after his unimpressive showing during the 2012 playoffs, but even if he's endlessly impotent on the post, he is still the NBA’s most productive highlight factory. This new anti-flopping rule that the NBA inaugurated may cost him a couple of KIA Optimas though.

Internet Relevancy: Fortunate that his loop wasn't closed; jean shorts hater

There were two possible takeaways after watching Carmelo Anthony get numbers in the Olympics this summer. An optimist Carmelo Fan would think that he’s going to translate that production for the Knicks this season. A cynic would question why he can’t do that on the regular basis in the NBA. Either way, the Olympic experience proved that a move to power forward is only logical, but that is reliant on whether or not Amar’e Stoudemire is willing to become a sixth man.

Internet Relevancy: "Melo (Is It 3 You’re Looking For?)"

If you’re familiar with the And1 circuit and Rucker Park leagues, you know that there’s enough proof that terrific dribbling skills doesn't necessarily translate into professional success. But players with great handles don’t have to be All-NBA to entertain. In the NBA, Brandon Jennings leads the league in broken ankles.

Internet Relevancy: Our window to the Far East

Former teammate Brian Scalabrine said it best: “[Kevin Garnett] is the most hated opponent in the NBA, but probably the most beloved teammate in the NBA.” He already has Darko Milicic believing that he needs to commit murder in the paint. I heard he eats horse hearts for his pre-game meals.

Internet Relevancy: pretty bad at nicknames though

If Monta Ellis and I made up the back court in Milwaukee, I would hate the fact that he shoots the ball 18 times in a game and that he’s 12th in the NBA in usage rat (basketball’s unofficial measure of ball hogness. But catch him at the right night and you’ll see why he’s one of the NBA’s most unstoppable force.

Internet Relevancy: Doesn’t do social media; not a fan of touch typing either

Pau Gasol is the biggest beneficiary of Steve Nash and Dwight Howard joining the Lakers. Because of his high basketball IQ, he’ll be able to improvise with fellow basketball genius Steve Nash on the high screen. He’ll also be able to leave the rebounding and paint-protecting duties to Howard. Of course Kobe's going to be a kill-joy about it by insisting they run a Princeton offense.

Internet Relevancy: Really into hard hugs

I got love for basketball players who hustle, basketball players who rebound, basketball players who play defense, basketball players who dunk hard, and basketball players with great nicknames. Kenneth Faried is all five of those basketball players.

Internet Relevancy: Cookie Manimal

I’m not sure how the James Harden trade affects Kevin Durant, but I’m sure he knows that if he wants the Thunder to remain a contender, he’s going to have to score more to make up for the loss of points. He has already established himself as one of the NBA’s greatest scorers of all time, but a whole other level may be reached this season.

Internet Relevancy: Rotten Tomatoes score is lower than his three point percentage

Sure, we missed out on seeing Dwyane Wade wreck havoc against foreign competition in the Olympics. But if casting aside a gold medal means that were getting him healthy this season, I happily took that hit. It also seems like Wade and LeBron have figured out how to coexist on the court, so a monster season seems eminent.

Internet Relevancy: NBA’s Heartbreak Kid

JaVale McGee has every tool to become an all-star front court in the NBA (centers are so 2010), but it’s always a question if he’ll ever put it together consistently. Nevertheless, he’s the league’s most outstanding goof ball, and even if he’s costing the Nuggets wins, are we not entertained?

Internet Relevancy: The well is deep but JaVale McGob tops them all

No more knuckle push-ups in the future, Kevin Love. Before he got injured, this season was going to be his coronation as the league’s greatest power forward, and the Timberwolves were primed to make the playoffs next year. Missing the first six to eight weeks of the season may be enough to knock the T-wolves into the lottery.

Internet Relevancy: Old man game

I get why the Thunder felt that James Harden needed to be traded, but I would have waited until the end of the season to do it. The combo of him, Durant, and Westbrook ensured that they have a top 20 scorer or two for an entire 48 minutes. But let's not be past dwellers; Harden, with no other offensive option in sight, is going to lead the league in scoring this year.

Internet Relevancy: All White Everything

Can someone check if they built the Target Center on top of an Indian burial ground? They finally have an exciting foundation with the Ricky Rubio-Kevin Love combo, then Rubio tore his ACL last season and Kevin Love broke his knuckles before this season started. But even if we can only see Rubio in two months worth of games this season, his otherworldly court vision and beaming enthusiasm makes him a League Pass must-watch.

Internet Relevancy: Ricky Rubio gets around

If I can only chose one player that can make the jump to superstardom, my vote will go to Kyrie Irving. His rookie campaign last year silenced any doubters who proclaimed that he shouldn’t have been a first overall pick. For Cleveland fans, LeBron James leaving still stings, but Irving's quick ascent helped Cleveland get over that nasty breakup.

Internet Relevancy: Not afraid of Kobe Bryant

LeBron James better than Michael Jordan? The argument’s still a tad ridiculous now. But if LeBron wins another MVP, if LeBron wins another ring, if LeBron averages a triple double, and if LeBron continues to revolutionize the power forward position, then I’ll be open to discussions.

Internet Relevancy: Working on his post moves

DeMarcus Cousins is an absolute bully when he gets the ball in the low block, even more so now that centers are on the verge of extinction. But he also has a penchant for complaining about every call against him, which is fun to watch but can also become a hindrance to his development. If you can bet on who will receive the most technical fouls this season, he’s the overwhelming favorite.

Internet Relevancy: Here’s Boogie!

Now we arrive at my most harrowing dilemma as an NBA fan. I can route for Steve Nash, one of my favorite players of all-time, to obtain his first championship ring, but that comes with the cost of hearing annoying Laker die-hards and their delusion about Kobe Bryant’s clutchness.

Internet Relevancy: Minus points because it wasn’t a Molson Canadian

Watch enough Clipper games and you’ll recognize that Chris Paul functions at a higher level from everyone else. He can’t score like Deron Williams and he’s not as athletic as Derrick Rose and Russell Westbrook, but he’s deadly simply because he understands every aspect of the game better than everyone else. What makes it even worst for the unfortunate individuals that have to play against him is that he’s one of the most ruthless NBA players right now. Even with his diminutive stature, he'll take on anybody.

Internet Relevancy: Living out a fantasy of mine

Chris Paul succeeds because he thinks better than everyone else; Rajon Rondo because he thinks differently than everyone else. If you explain to an alien with freakishly long arms, breakneck speed, elevated IQ, and advanced court vision nothing but the main objective of basketball, which is that team needs to shoot a ball through a hoop, then that alien would take an extremely unconventional route to achieve that objective. Rajon Rondo is that alien. There’s no basketball player in the history of the NBA that’s like him. I’m not even sure if there are other athletes like him that exists.

Now that Ray Allen is out and Garnett and Paul Pierce are close to decrepit, he is taking more of a burden to lead the Celtics to victory. Whether or not he can do is irrelevant; it will just be interesting to see how he does it.

Internet Relevancy: Don’t quit your day job, please