2010 NBA Draft: Break Down The Wall

There’s so much uncertainty surrounding the NBA offseason right now that I’m experiencing a serious case of the thrills. Where is Lebron going? Is Chris Paul getting traded? Will Ron Artest finally stop partying? What is certain, however, is the fact that the NBA Draft is a terrific source of entertainment—from David Stern’s New York sass to overdramatic mothers to the draft class' fashion choices to Jay Bilas’ love of lengths and wingspans. I always felt that the significance of the draft is something only obsessive NBA zealots cherish. There’s a reason why they hold the draft in New York every year, so that they’re around with smart New York fans that boo every single thing that moves. Every single draft pick is like a gift beneath the Christmas tree when you're still a month away from unwrapping it. There’s so much what-if scenarios floating in your head that you pump yourself up for the next season to start, only to agonizingly realize that it’s fourth months away. I usually have rec league on Thursdays but I haven’t missed an NBA Draft since 1998, and I’m not going to start now. Here’s the (t5!) long-ass shake down of the picks



1. Washington Wizards select… John Wall, PG, Kentucky

Upside Potential: A crazy athletic Jason Kidd
Entrance Music: Gwen Stefani – Bubble Pop Electric
Possible Nicknames: John “Wonder” Wall; “The Chief of Speed”

John Wall is a rare talent. When his opponents miss a shot and he gets an outlet from his big, he resembles a bullet being fired out of a rocket gun, ready to outrun every single player on the court. He’s instantly the fastest player in the league (if we want to be generous, maybe second to Denver’s Ty Lawson). And whether he’s traveling in high speeds or running the offense, he has lucid court vision. His basketball instincts are deranged. He finishes like a denouement around the basket. He already has a dance that is going viral on the Internet. He’s highly photogenic.

The question now is whether Washington gets rid of ball-dominant Gilbert Arenas. Having both players on the court may pose a problem, unless Arenas learns how to become an impact player without the ball. I’m actually hopeful that he does because that pairing has the potential to scorch NBA hardwoods for years.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!!!

2. Philadelphia 76ers select… Evan Turner, SG, Ohio State

Upside Potential: as boring (yet as effective) as Brandon Roy’s game, only without a meniscus tear
Entrance Music: De La Soul – Cool Breeze On The Rocks
Possible Nicknames: Evan “Almighty” Turner, Evan “Trick” Turner

What excites me about Evan Turner is that he gives the 76ers multiple options. He can play the 2 and become the focal point of the offense, allowing Andre Iguodala to fulfill his destiny as a fabulous NBA garbage man. Or they can trade Iguodala crippling contract for a better big. Or he can run the point, and I’m sure he has the IQ to play the position. Those glasses he rocked unironically made him look like an NBA bookworm.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!!

3. New Jersey Nets select… Derrick Favors, PF, Georgia Tech

Upside Potential: substantially destructable Dwight Howard
Entrance Music: Figurines – Release Me On The Floor
Possible Nicknames: Derrick “Sexual” Favors, “Electric Derrick”

If owner Mikhail Prokhorov, who is no. 39 on the world richness scale, can lure the most coveted free agents to New Jersey, he can use the fact that they're going to have to play with a terrifying frontcourt with Favors and Brook Lopez. Favors is going to have to refine his post-game though, or else he’s going to lead the league in missed lay-ups. That shouldn’t be hard because I’m positive that the Russian billionaire can afford to pay someone who can teach him low-post fundamentals. If he has the money to lose a $150 million yacht, he can spend a few coins on Hakeem Olajuwon.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!!

4. Minnesota Timberwolves select… Wesley Johnson, SF, Syracuse

Upside Potential: Danny Granger without range... so Danny Gr
Entrance Music: Raekwon – Cold Outside
Possible Nicknames: Wes “Jet” Johnson

If he plays as well as he dresses, then he’s going to be a multiple all-star in the NBA. Wesley Johnson is the correct pick, and it’s a relief to see Minnesota make a proper selection after the point guard overload of last year’s draft. They have a gaping hole at small forward, especially after they traded starter Ryan Gomes to Portland. DeMarcus Cousins may be better than Johnson, but the T-Wolves already have Kevin Love and Al Jefferson in the PF/C slot (and probably won’t be happy to play second unit to them). And while every single rookie are terrified to live in Minny’s frigid climate, Johnson has pointed out that he spent two years in Syracuse’s winter wonderland and has mentioned that he would love to play with former Syracuse alumni Johnny Flynn. I just think that his age (23) will be a problem because the T-Wolves are rebuilding as of this moment. When point guard sensation Ricky Rubio finally opts out of his European contract in 2013, Johnson will be 27. Yikes.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!

5. Sacramento Kings select… DeMarcus Cousins, PF, Kentucky

Upside Potential: Moses Malone of the Internet age
Entrance Music: Beck – The New Pollution
Possible Nicknames: DeMarcus “First” Cousins; DeMarcus “Crazy” Cousins

One word to describe DeMarcus: enigmatic. There’s an immaturity issue there for sure, but at 19, there’s a chance he puts it all together and becomes colossus down low. With that said, there’s also a chance that he remains a head-case throughout his career. I actually think that, right now, Cousins is the 2nd best player in the draft behind college teammate John Wall, and pairing him with rookie of the year Tyreke Evans is like the NBA equivalent of the Chicago Blackhawks throwing Patrick Kane with Jonathan Toews (Hi NHL friends!). Furthermore, if you have the commitment to brilliantly color coordinate your outfit with the team’s colors, that’s a sign of great things to come.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!!!

6. Golden State Warriors select… Ekpe Udoh, SF, Baylor

Upside Potential: an African Andrei Kirilenko
Entrance Music: Aaliyah – Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number
Possible Nicknames: Ekpe “Friday” Udoh (when your middle name is “Friday”, you don’t need to do much)

23-years-old Udoh is an excellent shot-blocker, but he should consult Warriors forward Anthony Randolph about how depressing it is to play for the Golden State organization. That sad face on Randolph is now permanent because of the sporadic playing time. It’s also fortunate that your best quality is a defensive talent because he’s never going to touch the ball as long as Stephen Curry and Monta Ellis are on the same floor with him.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!

7. Detroit Pistons select… Greg Monroe, C, Georgetown

Upside Potential: Black Vlade Divac
Entrance Music: Badly Drawn Boy – Centrepeace
Possible Nicknames: Greg “Ororo” Monroe, Greg “Alice” Monroe, which will then transform into “Alice of the Palace” because he will call "The Palace of Auburn Hills" home

The 2010 Champion Los Angeles Lakers just showed how vital a passing big man can be, and Greg Monroe is the best passing big man to enter the NBA since the Lakers’ Pau Gasol. If only he can have his low-post moves so he can attract double teams, or a Kobe Bryant to pass to, or a Phil Jackson to coach the team...

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!

8. Los Angeles Clippers select…Al-Farouq Aminu, SF, Wake Forest

Upside Potential: hipster’s Josh Smith
Entrance Music: KeKe Palmer – Super Jerkin’
Potential Nicknames: “The Nigerian King”, “Acid”

Hey, Al-Farouq! Here’s your Clipper hat! Make sure you book an appointment with an orthopedist as soon as possible because once you step into the Clipper’s practice facility, you’re going to blow out both your ACL’s. Enjoy your hops and your energetic legs while you still can. Side-note: Did you know that Al-Farouq means “the chief has arrived” in Nigerian? Apparently, a chief in Nigeria resembles someone who look like Steve Urkel.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!

9. Utah Jazz select… Gordon Heyward, SF, Butler

Upside Potential: a flimsier Wilson Chandler
Entrance Music: Prefuse 73 – Smile In Your Face
Possible Nickname: Gordon “Bombay” Heyward

A white guy in the NBA that can’t shoot threes? That's a story guaranteed to have a sad ending. At least we know that he should have the ability to give an enthusiastic high-five during player introductions. Bilas says Hayward reminds him of Luke Jackson, who is last seen selling iPads at Best Buy.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !

10. Indiana Pacers select… Paul George, SF, Fresno State

Upside Potential: Tracy McGrady’s rookie year
Entrance Music: Architecture In Helsinki – Where You’ve Been Hiding
Possible Nickname: Paul “John Ringo” George

He’s so obscure that his highlight package isn’t even in HD. I would think that commuter schools like Fresno State garner crazy ticket sales from home games. But study shows that it’s never a bad thing to have two first names in the NBA. Just ask LeBron James, Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan, Brandon Roy, etc. I probably should allude to the fact that the Pacers’ best player, Danny Granger, plays the same position.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!

11. New Orleans Hornets select… Cole Aldrich, C, Kansas…then traded him to the Oklahoma City Thunder

Upside Potential: Kendrick Perkins without a chip on his shoulder
Entrance Music: Talking Heads – The Big Country
Possible Nickname: Cole “Slaw” Aldrich; Cole “Summer Nights” Aldrich

Aldrich is listed 6’-11”, but measured 6’-9” in the combines. Someone’s pants are on fire. But if I can be serious for a moment, this was another impressive transaction by OKC GM Sam Presti. We saw in the playoffs that the only thing missing from the Thunder’s lineup is a defensive presence inside, and Aldrich can give you that. Kevin Durant was interviewed later on and he agrees with me. Fist pounds all around, KD.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!

12. Memphis Grizzlies select… Xavier Henry, SG, Kansas

Upside Potential: explosionless Jason Richardson
Entrance Music: Blondie – X Offender
Possible Nickname: Savvy Xavi (name pronounced Zah-vee-ay On-ree); Xavier “The Professor” Henry; Xavier “OH” Henry (which is like an amalgamation of Xavier University in Ohio and the chocolate bar “Oh, Henry”)

Apparently, I’ve been mispronouncing “Xavier” all my life. Here’s my theory on left-handed basketball players: they always get to the hoop easily because their defensive assignment ALWAYS forget that their left is the strong side. If you watched the Finals, you noticed that this is the only reason why Lamar Odom gets points.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!

13. Toronto Raptors select… Ed Davis, PF, North Carolina

Upside Potential: PJ Brown with no longevity
Entrance Music: The Mountain Goats – Song For Lonely Giants
Possible Nickname: Ed “Game As Boring As My Name” Davis

As a Raptors fan, am I supposed to be excited about a player who led his college team to a 16-15 record? And North Carolina is a yearly powerhouse that specializes on importing players, while Toronto specializes on exporting them. This guy is going to replace Chris Bosh? See you in the lottery next year, T-Dot.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !

14. Houston Rockets select... Patrick Patterson, PF, Kentucky

Upside Potential: it’s like Carl Landry never left
Entrance Music: Broken Social Scene – Pitter Patter Goes My Heart
Possible Nickname: Patrick “Intercontinental Champion” Patterson

He’s a little undersized for his style of play, but makes up for it with hustle and smarts. Reports said that he finished his Communications degree in three years with a 3.0 GPA, which shows that he has the capabilities to understand Houston GM Darryl Morey’s complex advanced statistical data. He and Shane Battier can have a profound discussion comparing their Effective Rebound Rate and Defensive Efficiency Rating.

(t5!) Level of Excitement: !!!

That’s it for the 2010 lottery picks. See you next year, NBA nerds!