This Week on Billboard: Justin Timberlake - Sexyback

I was initially posting these in the "Reviews" section of Friendster; but, apparently, after a certain number of posts, Friendster decides to delete them to make room for others. Because I don't want my cynical ventures go to waste, I decided to post these where I can archive them as well.

This Week On Billboard is where I unabashedly critique the current no. 1 hit on Billboard.com, the major yardstick for what's "hot" in music today. In order to simplify the review for those who don't want to read the whole article, each song is given a "!" rating, in which the finest grabs five of them.

Weeks in No. 1: 7

Weeks in Chart: 29

From the FutureSex/LoveSounds LP

!!!

A lot of us have progressed through our existence not knowing that sexy has left. Thankfully, JT has flashily re-emerged, with the help of Timbaland, to bring it back.

It's promising, I know. If I was to entrust the resurgence of sexy to anyone, it would be in the hands of these two: a fat Virginian who injected the sexy into a previously insipid Nelly Furtado this summer, and a Mousekeeter who was responsible for weakening the famous knees of Britney, Janet, Alyssa Milano, and the most up-to-date, Cameron Diaz.

But, alas, the only thing they've brought back is a mildly provocative effort. It's still somewhat effective–the hulking bass beat and the mirthful synthetic block percussions will still shake hips–but the overall attempt is absolutely unrewarding. If you're going to advertise yourself as the savior of sexy, you have to come up with something more imaginative than this. The synth lead starts to get grating after the second loop, quickly resembling a power drill to the head. Justin's moaning vocals half-singing licentious statements about his own S&M tendencies may look good on paper, but, here, it comes out dull. I'm still completely unaware that sexy had left but since it did, someone else is going to have to retrieve it because JT and Timba have failed to do so.