(t5!) Top 30 Fictional Character Crushes

I’m married now; I made a promise to commit to this monogamy deal seriously. For that reason, I’m happily giving up other women for my lovely spouse, and that includes all of my fictional character crushes from television, film, and literature. But before my eternal unavailability break their fictional hearts, let’s give all of them a proper send-off, by listing the 30 fictional women I have been infatuated with.


Before we get going, let’s lay out some ground rules first. The most important qualification is that she has to be a fictional character. Even though I’ve had crushes on musicians (Britney Spears), models (Miranda Kerr), centerfolds (Carmella DeCesare), athletes (Maria Sharapova), and reality show participants (Janelle of Big Brother, Charla of Paradise Hotel), the fact that they are people—non-fictional characters at best—disqualifies them. It's also irrelevant that I find certain actresses really attractive, like Vanessa Hudgens or Ashley Greene. She has to have played a character that I’ve gushed over on television or film. Moreover, the TV show or film has to be international, so while I spent a considerable portion of my life crushing on Filipina fictional characters, such as Bing Kosme from Home Along Da Riles or Barbs from Kuya, they don't count. Lastly, she has to be from a show or a movie that I know pretty well to make this list, so iconic female fictional characters like Buffy Summers, Jill Munroe, or Holly Golightly won’t show up in this list either.

Enough intro, let us countdown to my Mt. Crushmore, ten a day, starting...right...now!

The most important power that fictional crushes have is that their mere presence can make an excruciatingly painful film or TV series watchable. The plot of Teaching Mrs. Tingle is just horrible, but Marisa Coughlan’s Jo Lynn Jordan was so cute in it—with her bubbly personality and eye-catching smile—that this movie stands up to repeat viewings.

Ask any hipster to jot down his list of fictional character crushes, and it will most likely include Amélie. And it’s hard to disagree, Amélie in Amélie is a breath of fresh air. Hipsters are usually fans of twee and introverted women doing overly cute things on screen, and not many personified that character better than this beautiful French woman.

ABC’s TGIF had a lot of entertaining shows in its lineup (and a lot of fictional characters to gawk at). Having said that, every guy would 100% agree with me that Step By Step is the best one out of the bunch, especially after witnessing Al Lambert blossom from a sassy little tomboy into a sensuous, buxom brunette. After watching it now in syndication, I can only speculate that she was the only reason why I watched this show.

It was horrible enough that celebrated high school quarterback Jason Street suffered a severe spinal cord injury, consequently losing his football scholarship. But when he lost Lyla Garrity, his head cheerleader girlfriend, to his best friend, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She was so beguiling that even when she’s clearly the worst actress in the legendary show, Friday Night Lights, you still wanted to see her in every single scene.

Boston Public employed several attractive teachers, but none of them surpassed Marilyn Sudor’s hotness. In fact, the student body agreed. During the show’s first episode, Marilyn Sudor was voted the teacher male students most wanted to sleep with. If I had high school teachers that looked like Marilyn Sudor, I wouldn't have skipped that many classes.

Kelly Kapowski was supposed to be this sweet, innocent, apple of Zack Morris’ eyes. However, every kid who woke up early every Saturday morning to watch Saved By The Bell knew there was something naughty about her. Her wearing an off shoulder shirt or a midriff-baring crop top made her the first crush of a generation of awkward preteen boys. I just don’t get how Justin Bieber knows this when he wasn’t even born yet during the show's air date.

I owe a handful of my happy junior high memories to Alicia Silverstone’s Cher, because if it wasn’t for her existence, the girls in school during that time would still be outfitted with grunge flannel shirts and baggy corduroy pants. But instead, Cher gave us an army of princesses sporting miniskirts, spaghetti-strapped tank tops, and sex kitten pouting lips. However, we should all be grateful that the falling-in-love-with-a-stepbrother thing didn’t become a fad.

It’s incredible what type of punishment I’m willing to endure just to catch a glimpse of a hot fictional character weekly. Whoever decided that Michael Rapaport deserved to star in his own sitcom should be boiled to death because The War At Home was plain awful. I’m sure the only reason it got two seasons is because Kaylee DeFer as Hillary Gold was just irresistible.

Cerie doesn’t show up often in 30 Rock, but when she does it’s impossible not to take notice, and you wonder why she doesn’t have a more significant role. If you ever hire an administrative assistant like her—blonde, slender, sprightly, and wears outfits like this, and this, and this—how the hell would you ever get work done?

Kimberly Williams’ Annie Banks is the reason why every time TBS shows Father of the Bride (or Father of the Bride Part II), I absolutely have to watch it. The problem with this movie is that you can look at Annie Banks from two different male perspectives. She was written as the girl that every father wouldn’t want to give away: homey, really appealing, plays one-on-one basketball with her dad. She was also written as the girl that you want to marry. As a prepubescent boy watching this movie, those are pretty big conflicting feelings to have.

Mena Suvari’s Angela Hayes was so breathtaking that she elicited a meaningful turning point in the life of Kevin Spacey’s character. Before seeing her perform a dance routine at a high school basketball game, he was stuck in a job he hated, he was emasculated by his wife, and he lost his daughter’s respect. After, he became reinvigorated. Because of her, he suddenly has purpose in life. Seeing rose petals rain down on her naked body is like the sexual equivalent of being in a spiritual retreat.

In order to convince the audience that Owen Wilson’s character was willing to give up a life filled with parties and detached sexual relationships for one girl, that one girl is going to have to be an amazing. That’s why Rachel McAdams is the perfect casting choice as Claire Cleary. Whether she was bombing on her maid-of-honor speech or playing background touch football with the guys, it was clear how lovable she was.

It’s always been a fantasy of mine to go out with the girl next door. She would walk home from school with me, she would tease me from across the window, and she would sneak in my room late at night. The problem is that I’ve never lived beside a neighbor who is as hot as Danielle Clark. If I did, I wouldn’t know how to contain myself. And if she ends up being a reformed porn star too, that would just be the icing on the cake.

The plot was a little ridiculous. A day before he’s about to marry a legitimately hot Bridget Monyahan, John Cusack’s character tries seeks out this marvelous girl that he had an unforgettable couple of hours with ages ago. To go through all this effort just to find a stranger is absurd, but it all seemed to make sense during the movie because you know that Kate Beckinsale’s Sara Thomas would be someone that you wouldn’t let get away either.

Sure, Harmony Faith Lane looked titillating in that Mrs. Claus outfit. But when Robert Downey Jr.’s character said that he feels “badly” because he interrupted a conversation that she was having with a friend, and then she corrects his improper use of an adverb saying “feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows [him] to feel is broken”, completely ruining RDJ’s momentum, right then I knew I was hooked. I have a thing for girls who can ball bust.

Back when I was in elementary, it was a little harder to explain to the cashier at 7-11 my purchase of Archie and Betty & Veronica comics. I know that mostly girls buy these stuff, he didn't have to give me weird looks. But now, I’m secure enough to admit that I did have a crush on a two-dimensional babe. With those precisely drawn curves, pouty lips, and flowing black hair, how can you not want Veronica?

The stupidity of Richard Gere’s character in this movie frustrates me. His wife was understanding, great with the kids, and crazy hot; and yet, he just took her for granted. I’m never a proponent of adultery, but I understood why Connie Summer cheated on his lame husband. If my wife can look half as good as Connie Summer ten years into our marriage, I would consider myself very lucky.

Rollergirl was adorable in Boogie Nights: big eyes, blonde hair, voluptuous body, rolls around in rollerskates all day. She also happened to be a widely popular adult superstar, during an era when Internet didn’t exist and perverts still had to pay for their pornography. Suffice to say that a girl with those qualities would be the most coveted girl in any high school.

Marisa Tomei aged really well and had numerous crushworthy roles later in her career (Alfie, The Wrestler), but this Oscar-winning role is how she won the hearts of many (just ask George Costanza). Mona Lisa Vito was beautiful, smart-mouthed, looks great in a body suit, and knew more about cars than I do. I can only wish that the girls of Jersey Shore are as hot as Mona Lisa Vito, then maybe it wouldn’t be so painful to watch.

If you watched the movie, it was apparent why Ben Stiller’s character was obsessed about Mary Jensen: she’s hot, companionable, altruistic, a beloved orthopedic surgeon, loves golf, and she dumped Brett Favre. If she existed in real life, she would be the perfect woman. There’s Something About Mary was also filmed during Cameron Diaz’s physical peak, so we didn’t get that catcher’s mitt face that we saw in Bad Teacher.

If you’re still not convinced that Community is the most clever comedy currently airing, at least watch it for Annie Edison. Her dorkiness and ultra-innocence, combined with her big adorable eyes and her ability to run well in slow motion, is definitely worth tuning in for every week. Annie Edison may not be the funniest woman on television right now (she doesn’t have Leslie Knopp of Parks and Recrations and Liz Lemon of 30 Rock beat), but she’s certainly the cutest.

Rachel Green is the perfect example of the disconnect between the fictional character and the actress. Jennifer Aniston has weird facial features, has no sex appeal, and seems like a nagging shrill; Rachel Green had a trendy hairstyle, had a witty sense of humor, and went commando at formal attire functions. If Brad Pitt was married to Rachel Green instead of Jennifer Aniston, he would’ve never gotten divorced for Angelina Jolie.

Mention The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in a conversation with someone and both of you will most likely agree upon three facts: (1) the theme song was the first rap song you knew by heart, (2) doing the Carlton dance is guaranteed to get you laughs on the dance floor, and (3) Ashley Banks grew up to be very hot. It’s really unfortunate that Tatyana M. Ali wasn’t able to parlay her success into something bigger (although she did try to have a career in R&B, releasing the very underrated “Daydreamin” in 1998). Couldn’t she have done something with a Wayans Brother? Or something Tyler Perry? Even Alfonso Ribeiro had Celebrity Duets.

Cruel Intentions is such a dreadful movie, but I’ve probably watched it ten times because Sarah Michelle Gellar was extremely seductive as Kathryn Merteuil. She was so seductive, in fact, that you completely forgot that she was trying to sexually entice her step brother throughout the whole movie. And of course there’s the kiss, which was jaw-droppingly awesome back when the mainstream audience hasn’t been desensitized to girl-on-girl action yet.

Those who watched Closer will tell you that the two most memorable scenes of that movie both entail Natalie Portman’s Alice Ayres looking stunning. Her as a stripper, wearing a thong and giving Clive Owen’s Larry Gray emotional blue balls, and her walking on the streets of New York in slow motion, turning heads while Damien Rice’s “The Blower’s Daughter” play in the background. Alice is needy, cold, careless, and manipulative. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone like her, but if she ever decides to exploit how weak my impulses truly are, I don’t see how I have a choice.

I totally wrote "first" on Jessica Alba's career. Before the entire world saw her in Idle Hands, Dark Angel, Honey, Sin City, and Into The Blue, I discovered Jessica Alba’s hotness while watching Flipper on YTV Saturday nights in 1996. I knew before everyone else did that this girl is going to be a star, the epitome of the beauty that ethnic ambiguity brings. While every other 13-year old boy tuned into Baywatch for their girls-in-swimsuits fix, I was catching a glimpse of Maya Graham battling Cuban pirates and dolphin clubbers in a bikini, her olive skin tone glistening under the Florida sun.

Freddie Prinze Jr.: Pick any girl here, and I, the undisputed prom king of the world, can turn her into a prom queen just by being with me!
Chubby Paul Walker: It’s a bet, playa!
Freddie Prinze Jr.: Who are you going to pick? Loner girl blowing bubbles? Fat girl sitting on the floor? Redhead fixing a wedgie?
Chubby Paul Walker: Lol OMG, how about Laney Boggs, dude?
Freddie Prinze Jr.: No! Not Her! Forget about the fact that she has the most precious little face in teen romantic comedy history, she has paint on her shoes, works in a falafel fast food joint, wears glasses! Did you hear me? GLASSES!!!!
Chubby Paul Walker: LMFAO, I feel sorry for you, bro.

40 Days and 40 Nights demonstrated that taking a 40-day vow of celibacy meant that you get to meet someone as cool as Erica Sutton in a Laundromat on a Friday night. Sadly though, I doubt that this will ever happen in real life, and it’s partly because there are very few women in the world who is as cool as Erica Sutton. Have you ever met a girl who has an eccentric taste in outfits, can confidently dance in public by herself, looks at Internet pornography as a 9-to-5, is willing to have a first date on a bus, can be intimate with a flower, and has a smile that can light up a room? Her only downfall is that she is willing to do it with Josh Hartnett.

Summer Roberts was supposed to be a very minor character in The OC, but she was so enchanting and the fan’s demand for her was so deafening that show creator Josh Schwartz used her in more and more scenes. Eventually, she surpassed daddy longlegs Marissa Cooper as the show’s most popular female character. Seth Cohen was a character that a lot of geeks like me were able to see ourselves in. And Summer represented that girl we put up on a pedestal: popular, fashion conscious, and looks great in a Wonder Woman costume. Also much to our surprise, it turned out that she’s incredibly quick-witted and Ivy League worthy. Seth ultimately winning her over was a victory for us all.

Forget kryptonite, it was Lana Lang that really made Superman’s knees weak. Sure, Lois Lane eventually became his primary love interest, but Lana Lang is his “the one who got away”. If Superman himself—the man of steel, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound—can’t resist her charms, then who am I to be able to.

Lana Lang is divine, sweet, and can converse using sophisticated vocabulary without sounding pretentious. But her most important trait is she never looked that unattainable. Sure, she may be the prettiest Asian-looking fictional character in television history, but she didn't have a significant dissemblance from the Asian dimes that I see walking around in Edmonton. Coupled with the fact that she’s from Vancouver, I fantasized about seeing her (Kristin Kreuk, not Lana Lang, of course) hanging out in Robson Street, I would express my adoration for her, and then she would admire my eagerness enough to go on a date with me, and then we would live happily ever after. A man can dream, can’t he?